Take the Quiz: Are You a Woman?

We all love quizzes, especially the grocery store check-out magazine variety. Are you a good lover? Do you eat enough vegetables? Do you have suicidal tendencies?

Well here is a quiz for you: Are you a Woman?

You might scoff. You might think that everyone knows what a woman is, and whether or not they are one. "Isn't it all in the genes?," you ask. No. Being a woman in today's America has little to do with genes, but everything to do with this quiz. So let's get started!

1. How many minutes do you spend in the shower each week?
a. 105
b. 50
c. 200

2. How much money do you spend on hair care, maintenance and products each month?
a. $3
b. $30
c. $80

3. Have you ever considered cutting off parts of your body?
a. yes
b. no

4. How many pairs of black shoes do you own?
a. 1
b. 3
c. 6

5. Are your eyelashes long enough?
a. yes
b. no

6. When do you know that you have had sex?
a. When you have had an orgasm
b. When your partner has had an orgasm
c. When you are told so

7. How many inches are there between your body and the inseam of your pants?
a. 0.0"
b. 0.5"
c. 3.0"

8. Does the sight of your own blood make you squeamish?
a. yes
b. no

9. How many items do you take with you when you leave the house?
a. 3
b. 8
c. 15

10. How do you avoid unwanted come-ons from others?
a. You don't - it's inevitable
b. Avoid eye contact
c. Get married

11. What do you fear losing most?
a. Sex
b. Power
c. Sex IS power

12. At work, what animal do you resemble?
a. a deer
b. a parrot
c. a horse

So, let's see how you did! Use the following chart to score your quiz.
1. a = 5 b = 0 c = 5
2. a = 0 b = 5 c = 5
3. a = 5 b = 0
4. a = 0 b = 5 c = 5
5. a = 0 b = 5
6. a = 0 b = 5 c = 5
7. a = 5 b = 5 c = 0
8. a = 0 b = 0
9. a = 0 b = 5 c = 5
10. a = 5 b = 0 c = 0
11. a = 0 b = 0 c = 5
12. a = 5 b = 5 c = 0

If you scored 55, you are a woman. If you scored anything less, you are probably not really a woman. You might think you are, but you are just not trying hard enough to fit the high American standards of womanhood. You have lots of work to do...

1. How many minutes do you spend in the shower each week?

Let's start with your personal hygiene. If you don't think you need to smell fresh and flavorful at all times, you are sorely mistaken. Only men can go days without a shower, or just rinsing the sweat off after a jog and calling it good. Women need to invest in their cleanliness. You will need to take at least one shower every single day, and that shower must be at least 15 minutes long - no quick in and out. There is much to be done: shampoo hair, condition hair, repeat, shave armpits, shave legs, wash body with soap, shave bikini line, scrub face with defoliator, pumice heels and elbows, apply post-shower moisturizer. If you think you can get by with only 30 minutes a week, you are obviously forgetting some of the essential components of being a lady.

2. How much money do you spend on hair care, maintenance and products each month?

Next, your hair. Women's hair is like a misbehaving child. Don't be afraid of tough love! If you want truly female hair, you must keep it on a strict schedule and be quick to correct it, because it is usually wrong. Does your hair have unsightly brown, or heaven forbid, grey hues? Does it stray from a ruler held vertically next to your ear? Does it exhibit dangerous signs of moving when you turn your head? Reforming miscreant hair is not cheap, and should not be tried at home! That's why we have professionals. They have studied long and hard to master the intricate science and technology of hair correction and funny stories. Only men have curly, wavy, brown or graying hair in the good old U S of A. If you don't want to be mistaken for a non-woman, don't skimp on the budget here: cut back on groceries instead (see question 3).

3. Have you ever considered cutting off parts of your body?

It is contrary to natural law for a true woman to love every part of her body. You must hate at least one anatomical part - enough to fantasize about cutting, sucking, molding, squeezing or stripping it into oblivion. More importantly, you must assume that all of your lovers hate it equally fervently. If you haven't already chosen your despised body part, there still might be time. Just grab the closest women's magazine to educate yourself on the myriad of despicable body parts and which are the most deserving of removal or surgical alteration. If you have already removed or reconfigured the repulsive feature, you should quickly start hating the next deformity on your list.

4. How many pairs of black shoes do you own?

Men are simple creatures and can live with simple wardrobes. Women cannot afford to be caught without a good pair of black shoes for every length of pants, skirt or dress she owns. Fashion is woman and therefore, woman is fashion. If the latest magazine cover model does not stare back from your mirror every morning, you can't seriously include yourself in the competitive market that is femininity. Furthermore, the world economy depends on us! Your total shoe count may vary, but you are living dangerously close to androgyny if you don't own at least 12 pair. You don't want to be responsible for the next stock market crash, do you?

5. Are your eyelashes long enough?

The bottom line is, your god-given facial features are not good enough. If you think your eyelashes are long, thick or black enough as they are, you are obviously still a child and shouldn't be taking this quiz. Actual women have climbed out of the pit of ignorance to understand that lips, eyes and cheeks were meant to be seen from a distance of four city blocks. Plain, flesh-colored flesh, eye-colored eyes and lip-colored lips are terribly juvenile. Graduation into full womanhood means fixing those silly mistakes god made. Real women have found more appropriate colors, like Red Hotz, Lightning Rod Blue and Blushing Rose.

6. When do you know that you have had sex?

Some people count the number of times they have had sex by the number of orgasms they have during sexual intercourse. Those people are called men. If women kept track of sexual episodes this way, there would be quite a few pregnant virgins out there. When counting incidences of "sex", the proper time for a women to add a tally mark to her belt is when her male partner has completed his climax. This number is useful for his statistical bragging rights later on, and that is all that matters.

7. How many inches are there between your body and the inseam of your pants?

You are not doing your womanly duty if every inch of your body does not telegraph through your clothing for all of mankind to ogle. If the inseam of your pants is not tight up against your labia, the crotch seam digging in between your buttocks, then you are neglecting the needs of a very large and important segment of the population - lechers. If your bra strap is not digging into your back, revealing a silhouette of hooks and clasps through your two-sizes-too-small Lycra-cling shirt; your shirt neck not scooped low enough to reveal the top 40% of your womanly orbs; the top of your butt crack not peeking out from your low-slung jeans, you are a disappointing specimen indeed. A woman's wardrobe should be a flashing, neon arrow focusing all eyes on the public property that is her sexual bounty. Don't worry about freezing in the winter - physical comfort is a small price to pay for the important job of sharing every private crevice of your body with horny men everywhere.

8. Does the sight of your own blood make you squeamish?

How often do you see your own blood? If you are a woman, it is likely once a month (more often if you forget your girlish limitations and try to use a tool once in awhile). Starting at 12 (and even younger now that we American girls are getting fatter, younger), nature's dreaded trick is played on women everywhere. In the name of the arguably lousy reproductive strategy that our species has devised, women are debilitated by blood dripping out of their southernmost orifice every 28 days, accompanied by migraines, cramps, expensive feminine products, soiled underwear, and a constant anxiousness as they wonder if the last tampon will hold through their big presentation at work. Not only do we have to deal with the gory spectacle of lumpy, black-brown uterine refuse sticking to our pubic hair and ruining our best white slacks without warning, but we are stigmatized for not being in full control of our internal bodily functions. The most embarrassing thing a teenage girl can imagine is visible evidence of her period (ever wonder where that "sweater around the waist" fashion originated?) Blood cascading down your naked legs in high school swimming class - now there is a memory you will never forget! Females are either menstrual or pre-menstrual for 50% of their lives, and it takes place during the 50 best years of their lives! This hormone-driven cycle also makes women the scapegoat: they are blamed for the conception of a fetus (she must be a loose woman), responsible for the bearing, delivering and feeding of a baby (he can't be expected to stick around), and disparaged if aborting it. If you ever feel like shouting, "IT'S NOT FAIR!", you must be a woman. However, this question was just an excuse to rant, so no points will be awarded for your answer, either way. Let's get back to the real quiz.

9. How many items do you take with you when you leave the house?

See questions #1, #5 and #8. Women must always be prepared for blood, sweat or tears - literally.

10. How do you avoid unwanted come-ons from others?

If you are a seasoned woman, you know that marriage is no shield to catcalls, requests for blowjobs and other subtle expressions of a man's interest in your body parts. Neither his wedding ring nor yours will stop a healthy, male co-worked from assessing your boobs, ass and legs. He is just trying to brighten your day, and anyway, you brought it on yourself by being such a tease. Be a real woman and appreciate the lust that runs in his veins - he can't help it! You say you are 76? You are missing an eye? Remember, as long as you have two X chromosomes, you are provocative. Understand how hot he gets thinking about your empty eye-socket: even wrinkled, liver-spotted flesh is erotic if you are a male. Don't fight it. When you boss asks you to get up on a stool and retrieve something high up on a shelf (you, wearing a mini skirt, and he, holding the stool), just realize that you were born a sex slave and will die one. It's the American way. When you are surprised by an unexpected moment of intimacy with a dirty, trench-coated stranger on the street, consider it "serving" your country.

11. What do you fear losing most?

If you haven't figured this out yet, the correct answer for a sensible American woman is "C - Sex is Power" - and it is the only power you are likely to have, so use it wisely.

12. At work, what animal do you resemble?

Horses are fast and powerful. Parrots are vociferous and fluorescent. Deer are, well, doe-eyed. If you were Boss, to which would you write the big paycheck? The horse, of course! That is why real women know how important it is to appear deer-like, balanced on artificial 6" stiletto "hooves," or flashy and bright like a tropical bird - so they can distract the horse, and divert his big paycheck. If you haven't yet learned to play fragile and helpless next to men's lime-lit sturdiness, you may be causing unnecessary inferiority complexes in your natural superiors at work. Working women should be easily distinguishable from the serious money earners so as not to be mistaken for competition. You should wear hot pink, fire engine red or turquoise blue to work (skin-tight reduces the risk of being taken seriously). Or, in a pinch, just grab some hazard tape and a traffic cone from a nearby construction site - as long as you have the shoes to match! Modern women know that their primary responsibility at work is to lighten the mood during the grueling nine to five - so much so that managers and bosses can forget they even exist. This works out wonderfully when bonus time rolls around. Just think, when your boss opens his fat bonus check, in his excitement he might invite you to dinner and drinks, and he may even let you sleep with him if you promise not to tell his wife. Who says hard work isn't rewarded? Go team!

Conclusion
Don't be too disheartened if you scored below 55 on this test and therefore can no longer consider yourself a female in this country. There is one last chance to reclaim your sexuality. Did you actually take the quiz? If so, you get a bonus 10 points because only women take quizzes to find out things about themselves they already know. If your score is still too low to qualify, you will be joining a large number of sexless beings, like amoebas, ants and certain trees, so you don't have to feel lonely as you sit alone in your apartment on a Saturday night. You may still be allowed to hang out with us real women once in a while. After all, our glamor and humpability is magnified three-fold when you are nearby for comparison. Just keep any hints of confidence or self esteem well hidden, or we might have to give you the boot...